Why Your Car Sucks: Subaru BRZ

"Sweet Trav" (thespunbearing) 10/06/2014 at 10:00 • Filed to: Why Your Car Sucks

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Some people are fans of the Subaru BRZ. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Subaru BRZ. This 2014 tongue-in-cheek car "review" is for those in the latter group.

This is part of an ongoing series of articles I will be writing using the formula laid out by Drew Magary on Deadspin.

Your Car: 2015 Subaru BRZ

Your 2015 Model Year Vital Stats: 200 horsepower, 2700-ish pounds, 4 cylinders, six speeds, rear wheel drive and not… really… much of anything else. Uh, it has four wheels and a radio. It's cheap too! It's so cheap you should be able to convince your Dad to buy you one. With current discounts you can have one for less than 25 thousand of his hard earned money, brah.

Your Engine: FA20 2.0 liter 4 Cylinder Boxer Engine.

If there's one word to describe the engine choice of Subaru in the BRS, that word would be unfortunate and even that may be an understatement. The high revving screamer in the BRZ isn't a bad engine by any means but it certainly sucks in this application. The FA20 is a light weight open deck block cast in aluminum, perfectly square with a bore and stroke of 86mm, dual overheads cams with variable valve timing. Strangely enough this engine is equipped with both port and direct injection. In a base model Impreza, this would be one hell of an engine. Unfortunately they dropped it into a sports car. This is the same Subaru that has in its stable of engines the tried and true EJ257 that delivers 305 horsepower to all four wheels in the USDM Subaru WRX STi . The EJ257 stablemate, the new WRX FA20DIT would have been another much better choice with its 268 horsepower and impressive torque band. But no, the Japanese decided to attempt balance and driving pleasure, they should have learned from Mazda's snooze-fest Miata, to get people to take you seriously as a sports car contender in this modern age 200 hp doesn't cut it, especially when a Kia Sedona minivan makes 276. Nor does the complete lack of torque. The FA20 only produces a peak of 151 ft/lbs at nearly 6600 rpm, I've seen blenders with more. Here I thought Honda had the market cornered on torque-less wonders. Apparently not.

Your Aesthetics Recipe: On the bar, line up a can of Sapporo, Asahi, and Kirin. Grab your BRZ key and shotgun each one, because of course you would, Stance Bro! Come to the startling realization that all Japanese beer tastes exactly the same, just like the FT-86, FRS and BRZ look exactly the same. This is because they are all the same lazy Toyobaru attempt at a sports car. Repeat until the BRZ looks pretty or until you pass out. I'd place my money on the later happening. Well, at least passing out drunk on shitty Japanese beer is preferable to driving a BRZ.

What's new that sucks: Still no turbo. The interior is akin to something found in the Pontiac Aztek. If you were concerned with what happened to the automotive supplier that delivered cheap plastic-y interior parts to General Motors in the mid 90's and early 2000's after the Carpocalypse, don't worry, I'm pretty sure they ended up supplying Subaru with the BRZ interior.

People are actually buying it now! The heavy incentives offered on this car seem to have made it a bit more popular, I know that with a sticker price of 27k+ the BRZ is knocking on the door of the trio of V8 powered Detroit iron, which ironically two of which are built in Canada, but I've seen as much as three grand knocked off of a BRZ. It would seem like a good deal at that price, wouldn't it? Except that it still isn't. The BRZ is on par with Mitsubishi Mirage in terms of interior, looks, and cool factor. In many ways the Subaru BRZ is just a generic lump of sports car with absolutely no remarkable features, what is even more remarkable, is that its a Subaru, a company known worldwide for their utterly hideous quirky styling.

What has always sucked: First and foremost, Subaru had spent the past 16 years extolling the virtues of symmetrical all wheel drive, and now builds a milquetoast RWD sports car. If all wheel drive is so much better as the Subaru marketing department has told us for the last 16 years, then how does the BRZ fit into the brand? Was the Subaru WRX STi not sporty enough for you? Why not take the drivetrain of one of the most dominant world rally cars of all time, and make a 2 door sports car out of that? Nope. Not Subaru. They abandoned their claim of being the only automaker with a full car line with all wheel drive standard for a joint venture product with crowned king of beige, the sultan of suck, the grand poo-bah of boring: Toyota. Who in their right mind would buy a car like this?

Stance Bros, That's who! I'm just going to come out and say it: It takes a certain type of person to own a BRZ. The same type of person who puts Monster stickers on the back window of their car, or wears a brightly colored flat brim baseball cap at all times. The very same people described above are taking what I can only imagine as millions of dollars and thousands of research hours put into the suspension of the BRZ by Toyota and Subaru and ruining all of it. On Purpose no less. These are also the people who get blown out of the water by 5.0 Mustangs with scrawny white man-children behind the wheel yelling "V8 BRAH" while downshifting and making quite the ruckus.

But in many ways the BRZ is the perfect car for the Stance Bro, It's slow, terribly under-powered and the exhaust note from the factory is quite lacking in something I like to call "sound". Why are these aforementioned traits good for the Stance Bro? Well first It's hard when you're 16 to ask your dad for a 400+ horsepower muscle car, He'll scoff and say you're going to kill yourself with that much power but because the 0-60 time of the BRZ needs to be measured by sundial, he'll have no problem buying you one for your first car. That way when you idiotically and purposefully spoil the suspension so that only a fraction of the normal contact patch of the tire is touching the road, the feeble flat four isn't going to completely overpower the suspension sending you careening off a cliff, though we all wish it would, even your Dad. Second because it's under-powered from the factory you can install things like a cold air intake and a cat back exhaust and something called a "Tune" which now makes your vehicle require premium, get worse fuel economy and make roughly 3 extra horsepower, whilst voiding your warranty. These new upgrades require you to claim that you're putting down "at least a solid 300 horses" to the rear wheels. Of course you won't be able to back these claims up, with a dyno sheet, or in a race. When you lose at said race, you'll simply claim that your tune wasn't done right or that you had to much positive camber.

What might not suck: Three Letters: STI. No not what your doctor said you contracted after you went to the strip club outside of H2oi. I'm talking about Subaru Technica International. They already have a phenomenal motor in the FA20F boxer 4 that outputs 298 direct injected and turbocharged ponies, sure the turbo manifold might scrape on the ground with your "stance" but for the rest of us sane, tasteful car owners, it could be a lightweight Japanese boxer (you see what I did there?) that could TKO heavyweights like the Mustang GT and the Camaro SS.

Next time on Why your Car Sucks: The Scion FRS… Oh, wait same car... I should probably pick something else. Up next week: Mercedes AMG GT.

Share your opinions in the Comment Section Below. Remember, this is all in good fun.

Travis - King of Spun Bearings is not a king, author, journalist or even a part-time fanfic writer. Instead he spends his days driving his classic Chevrolet across SE-Michigan and his quiet nights at home drinking cheap whiskey and listening to The Cranberries. Occasionally he has a valid idea or opinion which he feels must be shared on the internet. You can reach him at thespunbearing@outlook.com

STREPITUS > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 10:10

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Alfalfa > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 10:11

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Nothing is sacred. He's coming after your car next.

yamahog > STREPITUS 10/06/2014 at 10:15

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V8 BRAH

GhostZ > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 10:16

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The BRZ is to sports cars as what an Airsoft pistol is to firearms. It's what Paint.NET is to photo editing software. It's what Mario Kart is to racing games. It's what a cheap Cessna is to airplanes. It's what those little "TNT" pop things that are legal year around are to Fireworks. It's what Sprite is to caffeinated beverages. It's what Chuck Taylor's are to running shoes. It's what a card and a $5 bill are to birthday presents. It's what Mary Poppins is to classic movies. It's what Spiderman is to Marvel superheroes. It's what Superman is to DC superheroes. It's what vests and trillbys are to fashion.

In other words, it's something watered down and easy to approach with ambitions of being far more "edgy", complex, and competitive than what it really is, or could be.

JR1 > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 10:19

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You bring up a serious point. The BRZ is roughly the same price as so many used muscle cars I could never justify buying one

Alfalfa > GhostZ 10/06/2014 at 10:21

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Woah, dude. You went too far with Mary Poppins.

dinobot666 > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 10:22

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It sucks because a Neon SRT-4 will beat it at any kind of internet bench race, and that's the most important kind of winning.

GhostZ > Alfalfa 10/06/2014 at 10:23

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If my cars are classic movies, I want them to be more Seventh Seal and less Singing in the Rain .

mazda616 > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 11:16

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I really like the BRZs looks, but I just wish it had more power. My mother-in-law's minivan would outgun one easily, and that's sad.

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > GhostZ 10/06/2014 at 12:32

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I like vests.

your post is offensive > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 16:48

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Um. Have you driven a BRZ?! They are much more than the numbers and "stance" bro.

The Stig's Rustbelt Cousin > Sweet Trav 10/06/2014 at 18:15

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I don't know why I even bothered reading this rubbish, because I already knew what it would say: "blah blah not enough power blah blah needs an STI engine blah blah generic looks blah blah why doesn't it have AWD blah blah blah blah." Followed by the usual comments of "blah blah Brand X Minivan has more power blah blah."

Yes, I am well aware, as is everyone whose brain does something besides keeping their skull from caving in, that 200hp isn't a lot these days. It's wasn't even that much 10 years ago, when you could buy an Acura RSX-S whose 2.0 liter engine also produced around 200hp. Yes, you could buy a Mustang V6 for the same price and get 100 more HP. You could get a Focus ST for slightly more (because you'll want those racing seats), and still get 50 more HP, albeit channeled through the front wheels (not that there's anything wrong with that).

The BRZ/FR-S could have had a more powerful engine, if not for the simple fact that it was never their intent to do that. This car is meant to be driven sideways at much lower speeds, which is why it comes from the factory with Prius tires. It is to sports cars what a T-38 Talon is to an F-15. It's a rolling school on how to throttle-steer. The interior was designed with the understanding that a spare set of wheels and tires had to fit inside it with the back seats folded, so you wouldn't need to ask your friend to bring his pickup truck to HPDE or track day.

They could have put the WRX or STI engine in it pretty easily, I'm sure. But that would nudge the price up into similar territory, which means A) fewer sales for the BRZ and B) fewer sales for the WRX and STI. A more powerful Scion version isn't feasible either, because the whole point of having a Scion brand is that they're cheap. Also, when building a car that you're going to try and sell in every possible country, it's a good idea to limit the engine displacement and power output, since some countries start taxing you when you get above a certain amount of either.

GhostZ > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 10/06/2014 at 19:30

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Should start at 1:24.

nikitopo > Sweet Trav 10/07/2014 at 10:04

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People still don't get it. BRZ is supposed to be a cheaper version of a Porsche Cayman. In fact both cars are very similar in concept and BRZ has an even better center of gravity (-2.5 cm). It lacks in some areas, but they are not so important for the real car enthusiast. This is a street legal car that it is supposed to be used in the track! You shouldn't care a lot about comfort. Yes, some mini vans might have more power in the U.S.. However, in other countries are trying to earn taxes and there are pretty strict on consumption and emission standards. Please give me another car in this area that can produce a 159 gr. CO2/km. It is not so irrelevant that Porsche is still trying to create a 4-cylinder 2.0cc Boxer engine. There is a reason for this ...

nikitopo > The Stig's Rustbelt Cousin 10/07/2014 at 10:29

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WRX and STI engines are powerful, but they are all turbo. They didn't want to put a turbo engine in this car. They wanted to have more character. Some people relate this with the reasoning of going sideways in low speeds. This was not not the only purpose. Check what tires are using the Gazoo racing GT86/BRZ cars on the track!

JDIGGS > Sweet Trav 10/08/2014 at 21:01

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This is the equivalent of all the bullshit hype surrounding the car flipped.

Connor Jones > Sweet Trav 10/17/2014 at 06:29

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I swear these get so much better each time! can't wait for the next one. I didn't realize the BRZ had so little torque, that's kind of sad.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Sweet Trav 10/17/2014 at 15:57

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just now found this, I was out of town the weekend before it came out so I missed it.

Entertaining as always.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > GhostZ 10/21/2014 at 11:53

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Hey, man. Don't you be talking smack about Mary Poppins. I will take a spoon full of sugar and skank your bitch ass with it.

EDIT: OH MY GOD I am laughing so hard. I somehow found this via a linked article and thought it was a post made recently. Two months late to the party. My B.

Locuas Pepe > Sweet Trav 02/03/2015 at 00:53

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I like you article, but you forget something very important about WHY SUBARU SUCKS.

All subaru engines and specially BRZ and Scion FR-S has CEL codes popping up all the time. P000A/B/C/D, P0011/21, etc etc all related to poor idling and stalling. They say is the ECU, COV, VVT Sensor, Camshaft Gear, etc, etc.

US Goverment must force Subaru/Toyota to issue a RECALL right away. Engine SUCKS

Stef Schrader > Alfalfa 08/30/2016 at 10:48

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Good.

EatmyDust > Sweet Trav 02/19/2018 at 18:29

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I bought mine for 1/4 of the price of a mustang and slapped a turbo. I will admit the interior is shit but I could care less as Im planning to strip everything out. In my opinion the BRZ/FRS is still a better looking car on the oustside which is what matters to me. Its also alot more balanced than any of american boat.... sorry i meant “muscle car”... you know those big old Ogerz that weigh over 5 thousand lbs which only serve one purpose; straight lines and stomping the gas. I enjoy a car I can throw around the track and appreciate the low gravity with world class handling. I enjoyed the car stock but even more now with DIY turbo and 320hp Im faster than a 5.0 mustang all day bruh

Sweet Trav > EatmyDust 02/20/2018 at 08:26

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sure it does...